the ghost of Ramadan past

...wow. Ramadhaan. I had forgotten all about you. Welcome back.
I've never felt its spiritual significance as I do this year.
My first two Ramadhaans were before I even became a Muslim. My first was a result of reading in the newspaper that Muslims had begun to fast that day. I still have that clipping. I was in a delinquent girls school and I had a lot of time to reflect. The result of my reflection bore my admiration of Islam. So when I found out they were fasting, I too wanted to fast! It was not done properly according to all of the fiqh I know now, but Allah awj knew my heart and intentions. I requested to wake up early and eat a small meal of maybe cereal, toast and water or juice. Then I'd fast all day, then break fast after it was dark. I'd also pray during the lunch break we'd had, and I'd spend most of my prayer in sujood... which was the only position I was familiar with in that girls school. I had no access to internet or anything, so my learning resources were limited to a copy of the Qur'an that one of the staff gave me, and occasional new clippings, and Mos Def albums lol. Thats scholarship for ya. So that was my first Ramadhaan. The next year, I was out of the school and living with my mom and her newly-wed husband and every morning I'd wake up at around dawn and eat all I could handle from his kitchen and go to school... come back, and eat dinner. I think it was in October or so, then. At this point, I had internet access... so I'd spend lunch break from school in the library looking up articles written by muslims, a lot of islamicfinder.com stuff... I think I thought I was a Muslim then. I didn't know about shahada (official conversion)After Ramadhaan that year, I started wearing what I thought was 'hijab', which looked like this:

And when people, including my mom, noticed that I wore it everyday... questions began. Eventually, when I was sent to live with a Muslim family, I learned about true hijab... and the fiqh of Islam... and the heart of Islam... (which I'm still learning)... and I said shahada (testimony of faith) ... and Ramadhaan that year was for real. But by the time Ramadhaan came, I was living back with my mom, so I'd actually skip school and take the city bus to my Muslim family every Friday, then stay with them on weekends in order to benefit from khutbahs and halaqas during that month.
Then what happened... hmmm... after that I met who was to be my husband, and the following Ramadhaan was spent entertaining new Canadian friends of his...praying Taraweeh, even though I was pregnant at that time so I couldn't physically strain myself that much.
Then finally,last Ramadhaan we were in Egypt. And I was pregnant again. So I fasted most of the time, but skipped a few days as a result of car sickness while travelling through chaotic Cairo ;p and it wasn't that spiritual I guess because of the nature of travelling. We were so busy and preoccupied. It was a different experience.
SO! This Ramadhaan, I need focus. Spirituality. Dedication. Back to the basics. I've divided my days into hourly tasks... weather it be reading my books, playing with the kids, cooking... taking a nap if I can... and taking it day-by-day is so important. This could be my last day of fasting... this could be my last Ramadhaan. The days should overflow with worship and quiet meditation until I'm in need of sleep. And so it has been alhamdulillah. Good stuff.
So, welcome, Ramadhaan. I needed you desperately.
May Allah benefit us through these days of fasting and denial of shahawat, and make us of the muzahideen. May our dunya benefit from this Ramadhaan as well as our aakhira, one being a means to the other.
Increase us in our knowledge, ya rabb, and our sincerity and our patience.

Ramadhaan Resolutions #1

This Ramadhaan is especially important, because (like any other) it may be my last. The chances are actually stacked against us living, if you think about it. There are millions of reasons for the heart to stop beating, and for reasons unbeknown to mankind, we go on for days. But I digress. The fact that life is so short, and Ramadhaan is so blessed is more then enough reason to excel in every minute of every activity of everyday; but there is more to it. Not only is it an opportunity to improve our status in akhira, but it is a mighty opportunity to improve ourselves in this life. In terms of self-discipline, in terms of compassion for others, fear and love of Allah (the Glorified and Exalted), letting go of the luxuries of this life, and drawing more near to readiness for the next life. I need this Ramadhaan. And all praise is due to Allah ta'ala for allowing us this gift. This time of wiping away sins, repentance, striving for His approval... its a recreation of our hearts.

So this Ramadhaan, I want to do a couple of things to ensure that my precious, precious time is used wisely. First thing's first... no tv (thats a given...even during other times). It's a pitiful waste of time which bares no fruit except disappointment and laziness. And its worth can be met and exceeded by reading a good book, enjoying a walk or time in the park, writing, doing housework, or most importantly, praise and worship (aka salah/dhikrullah). So thats one main thing. Secondly, a slightly superficial thing (I'm not writing these in order of priority, just as I remember them...) I decided I'm really going to downplay the role that food actually has in fasting. Fasting is about the lack-of food, not the WAIT for food. I've spent countless Ramadhaan hours slaving over a hot stove, when I could be slaving fisabilillah in sujuud or through the mus7af. And while cooking is a source of hasanat for women who do it with the right intentions, I just need something more spiritual to fill my hours. So this Ramadhaan, we're KISSin'. Keepin It Simple, Sister. That means meat maybe once a week, salad nightly, soups are easy... nice hearty suhoors like fuul and bread, cereal and fruit, tamr and bagels... yogurt. No juice. Its not a source of much good, and is most of the time loaded with sugar. Which brings me to my second food-requirement which will be for me personally, and not so much my family. NO SUGAR. Yep, I said it. Not a teaspoon. If anything has glucose-fructose, corn syrup, high-fructose corn syrup, or just plain old sugar, it's not going on my fork this month. If I need sweetener in tea or cereal or whatever, honey is more than enough, and I can limit the intake. Plus there are health benefits in regularly eating honey. I just need this for a personal goal because I've learned about how our body has a right over us, and most people in the west including myself oppress the right of our bodies. It has a right to be used for halal purposes, to worship Allah, and to be treated well and maintained in a wholesome, healthy manner. Alhamdulillah, I dont drink coffee, but I do have a big weakness when it comes to snacking and sweets. So the fasting eliminates the option of 'grazing' through the day, and my personal goal is to eliminate sweets. So no baklavah for me, friends! ...hmmm, now that I think of it, that eliminates my 'Cold Stone for suhoor' plans too. Ahh well... we have to be hard on ourselves sometimes to prevent spoiling the nafs lol.