some... discoveries....

I've been thinking deeply about some personal issues.
1. I think that even though my husband is a man, and men are indeed fallible; somehow I landed one of the few who are faithful and trustworthy and sincere. And still, I have issues of jealousy which stem from my upbringing. I should say, are deeply rooted in my upbringing, unfortunately. Growing up, the women surrounding me were very sweet, but also very superficial. I went through a very awkward stage and I wasn't the prettiest girl in the family, so I never really got attention for my physical appearance, and on the contrary, my gramma (God rest her soul) was keen on making me a virtuous, humble person. Her approach was therefore, blatantly insulting :) Looking back it's actually funny... I seriously hold no grudges... but its funny to see the extents that her and my father took to 'keep me humble' oh wow.. some bordered on abuse. BUT thats another story. In the end, I still ended up a little superficial somehow; probably through the influence of my friends and cousins, my peers, the mass-media... lets just say for the sake of this blog that I know what 'attractiveness' means to the world and... I'm aware that I'm no Kardashian. This has started to bother me ever since I got married. I am aware of the effect that these images of the perfect celebrity body has on my own heart, and now to add to that pressure, I have a man who is exposed to these same images daily, who I have to keep loving me. Now on one hand, I underestimate my husband. Because although, yes, the Prophet (saw) said :I fear no fitnah (trial) for my people more than the fitnah of women." (Alluding to the prowess and sesual power women have over men/ i.e. we are one of their greatest weaknesses)... men are not drooling, mindless zombies...well... maybe some are... but this blog is about my life, and they dont effect me. MY HUSBAND is not a drooling mindless zombie and I know that he realizes that 'beauty is only skin deep'... and he's not attracted to the superficial things these women have to offer.
I think my condition stems from my own evils. Sometimes we project our own evils onto others, form a bad opinion of them based on our own internal state.
I'll give you a for instance. My honey bear and I are driving along in the park this month, and a half-naked jogger in mint physical condition trollies on past our stopped car. I notice her, feel something (jealousy/suspicious/ su'a dthun (assuming the worst)) in my heart, and immediately turn to my husband to see if he's looking at her. When he see's me peering at him, he asks why I'm looking at him with this expression. I couldn't answer. It'd be ridiculous, and a fight-starter if I tried. I dont answer. This is something I have to defeat alone in myself. I am projecting my own evils onto him. I am noticing these things, and for some strange reason, admiring them in my own way, and assuming that he, as a man, is admiring them too. Then I get jealous! INSANITY, NO??? *sigggghhhh*
Lauryn Hill said, "It could all be so simple. But you'd rather make it hard."
Pretty much, Ms. Hill. Pretty much.
My Gramma was a good woman. Despite the silliness I mentioned earlier. She said when I got married that'd I'd soon discover the baggage I'd bring to the relationship because of my upbringing. Amen, Gramma. Now to lay my burden down by the riverside...
let go of this baggage and live a life outside the realm of a backward upbringing...
where nearly every single man in my entire family has been unfaithful to his wife...
So lets assume a sister is in fact married to a dirty-dog cheater... but she assumes the best of him and in the end is let down. Honestly... she is the winner if she is patient with this trial.
If a woman has full trust in Allah (swt), she doesn't rely on anyone else (including her beloved husband) for fulfillment. So when/if she's let down... she was innocent, steadfast and will inshaAllah have the last laugh (if that's what this is all about)...
But... I dont know if anyone is familiar with Madea (Tyler Perrys) Why Did I Get Married? ... there is a character... I think her name is Dianne, she is like the typical woman I was kind of looking up to. But she's crazy. Constantly checking up on her husband and obsessively assuming he's unfaithful. In the movie, its funny but in real life, its sickening. Here's a clip of the insanity: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpuDrtcSW3A&feature=related - just watch from 1:25 onward... so thats one thing
2. Abdullah ibn ‘Amr (RA) says that Rasulullah (SAW) said: “Four traits whoever possesses them is a hypocrite and whoever possesses some of them has an element of hypocrisy until he leaves it: the one who when he speaks he lies, when he promises he breaks his promise, when he disputes he transgresses and when he makes an agreement he violates it.” (Muslim and Bukhari)
enough said. for tonight.

a start

DUA FOR ANXIETY

Allahumma inni a'oodhoo bika O Allah! I seek refuge in You from anxiety
minal-hammi wal-huzni, wal-'ajzi and sorrow, weakness and laziness,
wal-kasali wal-bukhli wal-jubni, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of
wa dal'id-dayni wa ghalabatir- debts and from being oppressed by men.
rijaal

DUA FOR DISTRESS

Allahumma rahmataka arjoo falaa O Allah! It is Your mercy that I hope for
takilnee ilaa nafsee tarfata so do not leave me in charge of my affairs
'aynin wa aslih-lee sha'nee even for a blink of an eye; and rectify
kullahu, laa ilaha illa anta for me all of my affairs. None has the right to be
worshipped except You.

"put away childish things"-phase 1

The secret to change... is clearly on a different path then this that I trod. My maturing depends upon direct and forcible eradication of the nonsense plaguing my heart. Flattery, self-consciousness and jealousy, self-centered, overly talkative, assuming the worst of people at times, wasting time chasing wasted things, wasting money, impatient, less dedicated then vitally necessary... its heading for trouble.

The Healthy Heart

On the Day of Resurrection, only those who come to Allah with a healthy heart will be saved. Allah says:

"The day on which neither wealth nor sons will be of any use, except for whoever brings to Allah a sound heart. (26:88-89)"

In defining the healthy heart, the following has been said: "It is a heart cleansed from any passion that challenges what Allah commands, or disputes what He forbids. It is free from any impulses which contradict His good. As a result, it is safeguarded against the worship of anything other than Him, and seeks the judgement of no other except that of His Messenger . Its services are exclusively reserved for Allah, willingly and lovingly, with total reliance, relating all matters to Him, in fear, hope and sincere dedication. When it loves, its love is in the way of Allah. If it detests, it detests in the lght of what He detests. When it gives, it gives for Allah. If it witholds, it withholds for Allah. Nevertheless, all this will not suffice for its salvation until it is free from following, or taking as its guide, anyone other than His Messenger ." A servant with a healthy heart must dedicate it to its journey's end and not base his actions and speech on those of any other person except Allah's Messenger . He must not give precedence to any other faith or words or deeds over those of Allah and His Messenger, may Allah bless him and grant him peace. Allah says:

"Oh you who believe, do not put yourselves above Allah and His Messenger, but fear Allah, for Allah is Hearing, Knowing. (49:1)"

The Dead Heart

This is the opposite of the healthy heart. It does not know its Lord and does not worship Him as He commands, in the way which He likes, and with which He is pleased. It clings instead to its lusts and desires, even if these are likely to incur Allah's displeasure and wrath. It worships things other than Allah, and its loves and its hatreds, and its giving and its withholding, arise from its whims, which are of paramount importance to it and preferred above the pleasure of Allah. Its whims are its imam. Its lust is its guide. Its ignorance is its leader. Its crude impulses are its impetus. It is immersed in its concern with worldly objectives. It is drunk with its own fancies and its love for hasty, fleeting pleasures. It is called to Allah and the akhira from a distance but it does not respond to advice, and instead it follows any scheming, cunning shayton. Life angers and pleases it, and passion makes it deaf and blind (1) to anything except what is evil.

To associate and keep company with the owner of such a heart is to tempt illness: living with him is like taking poison, and befriending him means utter destruction.

The Sick Heart

This is a heart with life in it, as well as illness. The former sustains it at one moment, the latter at another, and it follows whichever one of the two manages to dominate it. It has love for Allah, faith in Him, sincerity towards Him, and reliance upon Him, and these are what give it life. It also has a craving for lust and pleasure, and prefers them and strives to experience them. It is full of self-admiration, which can lead to its own destruction. It listens to two callers: one calling it to Allah and His Prophet and the akhira; and the other calling it to the fleeting pleasures of this world. It responds to whichever one of the two happens to have most influence over it at the time.

The first heart is alive, submitted to Allah, humble, sensitive and aware; the second is brittle and dead; the third wavers between either its safety or its ruin.

Today...

Facebook has been taking care of my recent feelings and given me a channel to express myself, share recent writings and poetry, and accept feedback... but today, I think, requires a blog entry. Plus da man doesn't like facebook AT ALL (which poses the question: is there more harm or benefit in my having a facebook account?...something for me to ponder and also ask any readers of my blog. help me out on that if you would.)

So... what I've been through lately has been emotionally intense, alhamdulillah for everything... it could just be my 'emotional' era of the month lol. BUT nonetheless, I'll write if only for therapeutic purposes.

My intuition has been spot-on lately! Sometimes in life, it turns out that I'm either reading a person wrong, or my instincts are based on my own gut feelings instead of proof or evidence and end up being false. But lately, everything (to my dismay) has been exactly as I felt it was. :( Which has been sad because it dealt with very close friends of mine... this isn't the venue to discuss details, but it's been rough trying to read body language, read between lines of statements... GOD why can't women just be clear and direct and to-the-point??? At the same time, we are Muslims and there are manners of argumentation to be observed so I can see where the tension lies when one is trying to be as appropriate as possible while attempting to file a complaint against another girl. And gossip/slander is NEVER an option... so that eliminates that category of 'expression'.

Moving on... I've been learning SO much that I actually have to write it down specifically to organize my thought and clearly define the lessons.

Lesson 1: "Pillow talk"- I've been coming to realize that the husband is not the place to bring complaints. Even if you need someone as a confidant or someone to turn to for advice... I'm not so sure the husband is the right one. Actually I dont know who is the right one. Maybe we're supposed to lock up our negativity, collect it into a condensed mass, and during a dua'a, hurl it up into the sky for out Most Benevolent Creator to handle; and pray for peace of heart and patience in trying times. Because even if we try to confide in our husbands... I think it's still gossip. You know? Doesn't matter what your intentions are... I can rationalize and try to justify the gheeba by saying 'I'm seeking advice', or 'I need to get this off my chest' or 'vent' but in the end, its all the same. No distinction was made when the Prophet (as) prohibited gheeba and defined it. I think this is where true tawakelt3alaAllah (trust in Allah) comes in handy. Is there a better being to confide-in then arRafia el3ala? (The Highest of Companions)

And honestly, thats going to prove far more beneficial in this life and in the next. Allah is sufficient in disposing of affairs.

Lesson 2: Cut back on using the word 'no'. "When asked for something, the Prophet (asws) never said the word 'no', but instead he encouraged conversation and dialogue until the right conclusion was found. Even when a young man came to the Prophet and asked him for permission to have an intimate relationship with a girl outside of marriage, the most beloved Prophet of God didn't over react. He calmly called the boy to join the group where he was sitting, and asked him the following: "Would you like for someone to fornicate with your mother, daughter or sister?" When the boy stated the obvious 'no', the Prophet, peace be upon him said, "Just as you dislike this for your relatives, so your neighbour dislikes it for his relatives." Basically, do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. So if the Prophet answered this very difficult question in such a way as to transcend the crude 'no', then surely I can defeat my inclination to end a request from my 3-year-old or .. anyone else for that matter, with a blunt, controlling 'no'. Or 'because I said so'... and treat him/them with the utmost respect, convincing them that this is not the best thing at the moment, or maybe at all. Also, presenting alternative options is the best way to say 'no' kindly to Yusuf. Like no chocolate milk right now, but heres an all natural homemade mouth watering fruit smoothie (no sugar added) :)

Lesson 3: The Sheikh at our Islamic Conference this weekend set forth a parable. Consider the GPS (lol); how does it correct the mistake of the driver? It calmly redirects; pleasantly presenting the better option to reach the goal. :) This is how a spouse should correct the mistakes or faults of their better half.

Yusuf went to his first day of pre-school today. We got up early, did the whole hygiene routine, brought him over and I stayed for a while just watching before I left. I don't know what to do with myself, I've just been blogging, cleaning and eating. I have Sofie so it's not like I can take a class or join the gym... so ... I'm just kinda letting him have some social life, learning to listen to other authority figures then me. I guess his benefits in this pre-school are the above listed as well as; 1. a change of environment/ people 2. learning/ creating crafts 3. interacting with other kids then those of our close family friends.

But if I begin to detect any change of attitude or behaviour thats not a positive change, hes outta there FAST. I've worked too hard for some pre-school to spoil all his training. Anyway, this is the best place in the city, so inshaAllah rabbel 3alameen I'm hoping for the best. The teachers seem kind and passionate about their work, I see evidence of safety, organization and child-centeredness all over the place in there. Little crafts and memories the kids participated in are hanging on the walls... inshaAllah inshaAllah inshaAllah khair <3

hmmm what else...

I've been humbled recently by a REALLY stupid thing I did... and I've heard that if a bad action leads to humility, it's better then a good action that leads to pride (in some cases) so... I hope I always remember my own mistake(s) and let them keep me lowly so that when others make mistakes, especially those close to my heart, I can bear my faults in mind and be easy on them in terms of forgiveness. On that note, why is it so easy to forgive/pardon strangers but harder to forgive those closest to us? ... those who most deserve our kindness??

Gotta go pick up my love, Yusuf <3

I'll probably follow this though up later.

Salaam