some... discoveries....

I've been thinking deeply about some personal issues.
1. I think that even though my husband is a man, and men are indeed fallible; somehow I landed one of the few who are faithful and trustworthy and sincere. And still, I have issues of jealousy which stem from my upbringing. I should say, are deeply rooted in my upbringing, unfortunately. Growing up, the women surrounding me were very sweet, but also very superficial. I went through a very awkward stage and I wasn't the prettiest girl in the family, so I never really got attention for my physical appearance, and on the contrary, my gramma (God rest her soul) was keen on making me a virtuous, humble person. Her approach was therefore, blatantly insulting :) Looking back it's actually funny... I seriously hold no grudges... but its funny to see the extents that her and my father took to 'keep me humble' oh wow.. some bordered on abuse. BUT thats another story. In the end, I still ended up a little superficial somehow; probably through the influence of my friends and cousins, my peers, the mass-media... lets just say for the sake of this blog that I know what 'attractiveness' means to the world and... I'm aware that I'm no Kardashian. This has started to bother me ever since I got married. I am aware of the effect that these images of the perfect celebrity body has on my own heart, and now to add to that pressure, I have a man who is exposed to these same images daily, who I have to keep loving me. Now on one hand, I underestimate my husband. Because although, yes, the Prophet (saw) said :I fear no fitnah (trial) for my people more than the fitnah of women." (Alluding to the prowess and sesual power women have over men/ i.e. we are one of their greatest weaknesses)... men are not drooling, mindless zombies...well... maybe some are... but this blog is about my life, and they dont effect me. MY HUSBAND is not a drooling mindless zombie and I know that he realizes that 'beauty is only skin deep'... and he's not attracted to the superficial things these women have to offer.
I think my condition stems from my own evils. Sometimes we project our own evils onto others, form a bad opinion of them based on our own internal state.
I'll give you a for instance. My honey bear and I are driving along in the park this month, and a half-naked jogger in mint physical condition trollies on past our stopped car. I notice her, feel something (jealousy/suspicious/ su'a dthun (assuming the worst)) in my heart, and immediately turn to my husband to see if he's looking at her. When he see's me peering at him, he asks why I'm looking at him with this expression. I couldn't answer. It'd be ridiculous, and a fight-starter if I tried. I dont answer. This is something I have to defeat alone in myself. I am projecting my own evils onto him. I am noticing these things, and for some strange reason, admiring them in my own way, and assuming that he, as a man, is admiring them too. Then I get jealous! INSANITY, NO??? *sigggghhhh*
Lauryn Hill said, "It could all be so simple. But you'd rather make it hard."
Pretty much, Ms. Hill. Pretty much.
My Gramma was a good woman. Despite the silliness I mentioned earlier. She said when I got married that'd I'd soon discover the baggage I'd bring to the relationship because of my upbringing. Amen, Gramma. Now to lay my burden down by the riverside...
let go of this baggage and live a life outside the realm of a backward upbringing...
where nearly every single man in my entire family has been unfaithful to his wife...
So lets assume a sister is in fact married to a dirty-dog cheater... but she assumes the best of him and in the end is let down. Honestly... she is the winner if she is patient with this trial.
If a woman has full trust in Allah (swt), she doesn't rely on anyone else (including her beloved husband) for fulfillment. So when/if she's let down... she was innocent, steadfast and will inshaAllah have the last laugh (if that's what this is all about)...
But... I dont know if anyone is familiar with Madea (Tyler Perrys) Why Did I Get Married? ... there is a character... I think her name is Dianne, she is like the typical woman I was kind of looking up to. But she's crazy. Constantly checking up on her husband and obsessively assuming he's unfaithful. In the movie, its funny but in real life, its sickening. Here's a clip of the insanity: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpuDrtcSW3A&feature=related - just watch from 1:25 onward... so thats one thing
2. Abdullah ibn ‘Amr (RA) says that Rasulullah (SAW) said: “Four traits whoever possesses them is a hypocrite and whoever possesses some of them has an element of hypocrisy until he leaves it: the one who when he speaks he lies, when he promises he breaks his promise, when he disputes he transgresses and when he makes an agreement he violates it.” (Muslim and Bukhari)
enough said. for tonight.